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I started to wonder when does one mature when does someone really mature and change? Do we ever or are we just stumbling thru this life from one area to the next. I think back to when I was younger and I don't feel much different than then. After all alot of it I am still doing
probaly not a smart option of someone in there late 30's but if I feel like doing something I do it. Physically I feel ancient but mentally and other ways well I am very young at heart.
I am more friends with my kids than parent even thou I have discipline I know that is a must. I started off in life having no guidence no direction and in turn left me lost for many unnecessary years. It is unfair of me to do the same with my kids. I have stumbled along the way the process of growth often happens that way.
When I found out I was pregnant with my oldest I really had no idea what I was in for. When I thought of things I knew I would manage because I always have but I was clueless how it could be. I had such visions that things would be different how naive I was. When I was in labor a nurse told me that giving birth would be the easiest part of the next 18 years. She will never know how right she was.
I walked in not really knowing not having any game plan and for many years I kept stumbling. I had no clue how to be a mom because I had never had one I had no example to go after. I knew nothing about waking up for midnight feedings, teething or any of the basics. As I stumbled I learned and grew mentally as well as I guess spiritually Four years later when I had my son I was more prepared still stumbling but doing it less.
I had been a mom probaly a good 5 years before it really seemed real. I started to realize I was not in this race all alone and my decisions affected others also. Now not everyone has as many demons as I and sadly some have even bigger ones to conquer, I had many tripping me along the way. After having my son I got into the swing of things more started settling down changing little things. Acquiring furniture staying at one residency longer periods of time when I was young to stay in a place more than a few months was rare. So here I sat and been at places for over a year.
Started feeling urges to maybe settle down and found myself in a very long term relationship and by then I had my last baby. By this time I was a pro at the basics I was able to do late night feedings, diapers, baths all of it without a blink. All of a sudden what once could of been a major diaster could become manageable. I had been using drugs real hard at the time and even then I knew I had to change and move past this place. I had no clue how I was gonna do it just knew it had to be done.
I did it and managed to overcome some major hurdles along the way. My memories weigh me heavy and yet I feel very young. I am 36 yet when I look in the mirror yes I see changes I wonder where that 15 or even 22 year old went. She is still in there just all the wiser. I am coming close up to 40 in a few years pretty soon my kids will be leaving home and then what do I move onto the next plain?
I will enjoy it very much but my problem is now that I have this part down pat I don't want it to end. I am very fortunate I enjoy spending time with my kids very much. I feel sorry for the people who can not or on the other hand the ones who do not appreciate the great gift they have. I once had a social worker complain I spend to much time with my kids what a laff!!! There are people out there having to work so much they miss out on everything or alot of it. There are people out there dumping there kids off with god knows who while they get high or drunk. We have kids out there that don't have either a mom or dad there or worse both. It seems insane for someone to say I spend to much time with them. I have 18 years if I am lucky I have been given a great gift in many ways.
God has been kind and has always provided a way to help us survive. This does not mean I just sit around and expect it to come in I may not have a job in the sense that I get paid or punch in and out. I am on disablity as my kids are some could see this as a bad thing and can be challenging having 3 people under the same roof with bipolar. It is not for me to question it is what I got and I look at the greatness it could bring. Never have I cursed my son's diaablity yes I often wish he could of lived a normal life(he also has other disabilities).
I could focus on the negative and it would of destroyed me I look at the good parts. Yes I am bored and perhaps I may be working in my 70's to live and support myself but on the good part I was able to be there for it all. In school any extra attention I can give my job I believe I was put on this earth to be their mother. When I was younger it was harder to accept being restricted. I fought to stay working for a minute and have had oportunities to work since but over time I have mellowed out.
I like to work but I more felt compelled to work like I was being less than what I should do. I had worked and have done excellent have advanced and yet nothing has given me the satisfaction of being a mother. Strangely thou I still have no clue when did I become a mom? Was it when I became pregnant? Or perhaps was it when I gave birth? Perhaps it is not something you ever become perhaps it is something deep down inside of all of us. Like a treasure map leaving clues along the way and the treasure is the acceptance of the fact that you are a mother or father and have got the greatest gift anyone could ever give you. Oh well that's what I think!


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~*~A Night At The Drive~*~

~*~A Night At The Drive~*~

Been a minute

MySpace GraphicsI have not been on lately and so far behind I really have no time for this but sometimes one must just say what the fuck!!! We got moved only another reminder that I really do not want to do it any time in this decade. My next move has to be into my own house and finish my last real big goal. I actually realize my time track was unrealistic in ways considering this time I believe I can accomplish it all. My book is coming along and as is the house kids are back in school and after I get set up next will be the business. I generally feel overstretched but I am just going at things as they come. I can not believe that it is September already but that is kool also means Halloween is on itsmy decorations already almost up but I will nor get finished this I already know without no doubt. Oh well that is life thou if I have learned anything in life it is to relax and take life as it comes.


MySpace GraphicsSmiling is one of the best things one can do there has been many studies that show laughter is good for one. Why stress over something one can not change or make different what ever will happen will happen and so forth. A.... had court again the great state also had to pick a time when they knew I could not be there possibly. This is the one area that has taught me control most of all. These courts try to knock you off your block. It cracks me up so much when theyhave the nerve to say thet have the families best interest at heart. Trying to save the fam-ily that is so far off base. I know first hand because of what I heard and seen when I was a minor in the system. So I really am amazed when they think they can bullshit me. I hear things come out my oldest mouth that I know they are the words of truth. Words this great state tells her then they come in front of me with lies and untruths dripping from their tongues. Trying to fuck me every step of the way. It amazes me if they can not understand my attitude, I have atteded there little meetings taken time and money out of my pocket. I have had my rights violated jumped thru hoops because of theire bullshit. Still they can not understand my resentment towards them when the spew their lies. I use to get real mad for a while but after awhile I started noticing they got off on me getting upset. They wanted to get me upset claim I was unstable just to have a reason to fuck with me. I have no idea what they get out of messing with me there areso many other kids out there they are suppose to be protecting and yet they mess with me. There are kids out there getting raped beat, starved horrible things. Yet they are wating there time on me and there biggest problem was where I fed my son and I spent too much time with my kids.


MySpace GraphicsThis mystified me how can one spend to much time with one's kids. We have not even 18 years with them and most of that we are not even with them they spend so much time at school or us work. After those years if you even get those they leave home and start there own lifes. There are parents out there ditching there kids with anyone and everyone to be going out and that would be better than spending time with them? Not to mention that one my kids have special needs and the biggest reason being why we were all happy. The kids and me are very close we do all together yet some would say this odd-so what it works for us. I have figured out there game and I will not play. I think that pisses them off that I will not jump thru there hoops no longer. My oldest will be there till she is 18 this I have known a long time there is nothing I can do about this. Evan after she turns 18 I doubt she could ever come home not after her violent past and present. The kids would have to be gone so kowing this whu would should I continue to be punished put thru hoops do this do that. What for for there amusement that is what it boils down to. Even when I show up for there appointments they claim I never was there even if I say I was who would they believe not me? I know that!!!! So now I smile and dont stress why bother smiling is better


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The day (I thought would never get here finally happened today I finally got the keys to my new house so now the hard part comes in the moving. I have been here nearly 2 years and that is so hard to believe. The first night I stayed in this apartment it seemed so big and I really had nothing that I do now.I was still alone because of the foul shit they were doing at hsd so the house seemed even larger and more alone. Now I look around and there is no more room for nothing but maybe more than that it is time to take the next step in life.

So this place I had first seen back in April finally became reality today. Till today I had forgotten what it even looked like and even as I was there I just kept looking around amazed because I know I will have lots of fun with this house and it is so much biger than the other and that sould be my last move till my own house I really am in no hurry for that not now at least.

It just amazes me it had taken them that many months to organize this shit but now I am moving soon that part will be done and I will sit there to haave my first night there and before I know it I might of been there going on two years and god knows how much more life has changed. But for now this chapter in my life is coming to an end and another door will be opening. peace out for tinght

FEEDINGTHEDESIRE

All of my life I have not had a typical family and for the most part I did not care. Alot of people would ask me if I missed not having a family, esp around the holidays. My answer always seemed so obviuos how to miss something you never had. That was the deal I was born into and have never known no different. Even as a child it was always my sister who was only 4 years older than I but it was her the closest thing to a mother. I will always love my sister for what she did for being only 4 years old and trying to help trying to take care of a new born baby. I will always have much respect for her core.

That does not change the fact that a 4 year old is not any reasonable mother figure. She should not had to do it. The only mom and I use that word loosely not that I can say that name out loud. The mom that I knew since birth was some self centered bitter old drunk. I have in the past tried to remember a time that woman ever extended me love. I don't know what demons posess that woman as they do I really don't have no idea really about either of them. They gave me life I even lived with them for almost 16 years well technically and I don't know shit about them.

I don't know what made them hate me from birth and that is no statement to exact pity it is the truth don't hurt me none. It never really has they always had me in therapy to deal with this or that most problems that most would have and honestly it never really bothered me maybe a little when I was younger and the other relatives were around. Those were hard times thou god I use to dread the family visits. I would feel so awkward and everything I did not have seemed so clear more apperent

It is hard to explain it was not that I even wanted this but you start to question why don't I get what every one else or most people are just given. So that is how it went I did not care what I did not have because that was just how it was. My older sister and me seperated beause of life she was already on her own being four yrsolder than I. My younger sister there was never no real bond there. Our parents always made sure there was conflict there she was the greatest thing since apple pie I never once remember her ever getting in trouble

I never remember her being beat and mistreated she always got the best and part of me was happy she did not have to go thru what we did but she never had the opportunity to see the truth. She was so young and weak minded that ain't on her and for that fact alone I have been luckier in my path than her. She is their puppet she hides in an insane world and will never see anything beyond their small bubble. They have never allowed her to grow get in trouble I mean she is 30 and has never ever got in trouble that I know of she does everything bu the book.

To her she was taught that me and my other sister we were the enemy we were worshipping the devil thru our music and in turn were going to hell. All the problems in the family were not them oh no it was us we were the evil and if it were not for us the world would be a great place. You know it just dawned on me maybe they could not stand us because they seen that we would not accept their dominantly unhealthy way of thinking.

If I was my younger sister I would be dead inside she can think whatever she wants about me and I know that it don't matter. I have known since I was a teen that she and I would never have a friendship I see the fear in her about me and that is sad because I am one of the nicest people you can no I am not being conceited it is just true I will usually be the first to help someone out. Yet she has been so brainwashed that she will not ever be able to see the truth of what we are.

Today I was told she had a baby boy a couple months back like I said she has been lost to me I never had to miss. Never regretted except those few times where you look around and wonder why don't I have what everyone else has
FEEDINGTHEDESIRE

Genghis Khunt Random Brutal Sex Master (RBSM) We almost called you Brutus the Uterus and attached this picture: But we figured you wouldn't understand, and rightly so. We don't understand either. So you are Genghis Khunt: master of man, bringer of pain--riding your way to conquest after conquest. Your sexual avarice is legendary. You've already had an unusually high amount of experience, and, still you look for more. You intimidate many. You make no apologies. Personality-wise, you're carefree and relatively easy-going. You don't plan things out ahead of time; you tend to live in the moment. Of course, this can cause some damage when the moment happens to include a screaming orgasm with his younger brother. Hence the 'brutal' tag we've given you. But you know what, take five seconds to lock the doors, and you'll be fine. There's nothing wrong with a little sex, or a whole lot. Your exact female opposite: The Sonnet Deliberate Gentle Love Dreamer Always avoid: The Slow Dancer (DGLD) Consider: The 5-Night Stand (DBSM), The Hornivore (RBSM), The Playboy (RGSM)

Link: The Online Dating Persona Test @ OkCupid - free online dating.

THIS cracks me up it makes one sound mean in a way but it is not like that I never go out to hurt but it is true I know what I want and go seek to have it. That is more from life experiences if I was a man I wonder if it would be that negative. Thats ok thou I am not ashamed I have lived life to the fullest, I have no regrets.

I wonder how many people can say that about there lifes with the exception of my ex I have no regrets no hard feelings. Over my life I know I have had some raw deals I knew that growing up as a child. I would go to school and see all these happy kids living normal lives. I lived in another world than any other or very few up there at least.

Over the years I have continued to see these kinds of people the ones that really never had it ruff and have no real understanding. I mean like in school they would be pouting because there parents did not buy them the overly expensive dress but the next one. There complaints would be the car they recieved for their 16th bday was the wrong color or kind.

My teen years I had spent in foster care so I was basically on my own I would sit back and chuckle and actually feel sorry for them. I admit now I often look back and wish I had some normal teen memories. I did not and in turn it made me a better person and stronger person. My cousins were the classic example of not in the real world given everyhting on a platter and never ever had to want for anything.

I had more concept of reality of how it really was by age 15 than they do now. As long as I can remember there has only been me and it has just became habit not to count on anyone. These other girls are the type who have to stay with a man no matter what he does become a middle age divorcee and that man was her high school sweet heart. One that can't even balance thier checkbooks or need permission to do this or that.

I may be alone but I am happy I have life exactly to my standards. Sure I have had to roll with the punches I know no matter what I will find a way to make it and come out ahead. I may not of made the deans list for my grades but I am smart I was denied some opportunities when I was younger due to events out of my control.

I could of been one of those females who curled up and felt sorry for myself. I might as well put a bullet in my head then. I could not admit defeat I had no choice it felt like I had to keep going I had no time for tears for heartache. I had to keep going and keep strong. Any regrets thou no how can I regret what was destined to happen who are we to second guess the way we are suppose to be.

What I am finding out all I lost in my youth some of it can never be replaced and that is ok. Although alot can be done now All the knowledge I did not hace the time and opportunity to in school I can now and look at the added bonus now things are so much easier and faster to learn so it can be seen as better this way

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I am still in one of my moods I definitely know it is time for me to start taking my meds again. For along time I had started feeling real good not a high good just life was good. SLowly I stopped taking them until I realized quite a few months have gone by I am far from where I was I now can seem to feel a mood major mood change and transformation. It is not that I am depressed but I know that can change fast and I think that is what is happening.

I know alot has to do with this move and court coming up that is later today and I know they are not even going to call and do it over the phone even thou they make it impossible for me to be there. Then that social worker having the nerve to tell me it really dont matter I just would not have my say That blew me away and I told her I never have my say anyway since that child started this shit.

That shit is annoying in itself always having to go to court I have to do all this shit bend over and rearrange our lives around a child that has lied on us rejected us stole from us should I keep going and I am put thru hell as she manages to go on a criminal spree. I am the one billed into court again dealing with their mouths always yapping yet nothing I say is for one said right and for two never paid attention too.

I know that has been messing with me also I have been going thru this for what 4 years now 4 years of my life being prety much on a leash when I have not done anything wrong. On a child's claim and only that they tear apart my life. Not one shred of evidence to the degree they admit they have never seen another mother love their kids more. They had no valid complaint so they would claim I spent to much time with mu kids. Never got that one how can one spend to much time with their kids?

We have 18 years with our kids if we are lucky I enjoy my life and dont want to miss out on it I can always do what I do now later on in a few years. These stupid fool's bitch because I spend to much time with them. Thye know her claimin I beat her was a bunch of shit they know she recanted everything in writing even but none of that is even considered I have not been found guilty of no crime not even charged or even questioned by the police in fact they were on my side. Even thruout this they still stress the points

It really is bullshit a fuckin child has been calling the shots and I am not plaing the games anymore and the state is as bad as her

JUST GOING WITHT HE FLOW

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In a way I really hate the beginning of these things after I get started well I just go but beginning this I am trying to see if there is any point I want to take this. All this is fairly new to me and the reason or direction I want to take I feel like will take me down whatever road I am bound to go on. I feel I have been at a turning point part of that is from the move not being settled. Then we have D,,, and he is going back to prison that is just a fact whether now or a year it will happen.
Lately thou I have felt an internal discontent I guess I would call it I have lots on hold lot of items I have been working on for awhile and about to come together. I realize thou sometimes we are given some gifts that may seem pretty foul at the time but can be for the best. I have known since I have been very young that something in my mind worked differently than most but that fact I fought for along time. It was finally in 2001 or 2002 that I finally sought help. At that time I did it mostly for the kids for myself I knew I was close to crossing a no return and had to do something.
I walked in there and I knew there would be things I would have to face and was prepared for that yet I expected and what really started was unknown. Some could think that certain things pushed me beyond the drugs and the life I was leading but it all wrapped together. All my life I have been running and running My parents the such good people of ours were such negative people you were punished for showing love or joy. Life was a high stress maintainence.
I was always trying so hard to just make it and in the mean time I slowly eviolved my life and how I self medicated. I have tried the more quiet life style drove me nuts I craved the conflict even thou I resented it so much. I was always one step trying to catch up to catch up or escape when things felt to comfortable. It was when alot of the stress I was feeling got removed only then could I really start to look inward.
It was remarkable and it is something that can not be quite explained I have never felt this at peace with just life stuff still gets me alittle stressed but I dont take that long to bounce back. I just keep trying to go and it is the first time I have had the time patiece and money to be able to focus on finding me. I had the chance when I was locked up but that really was not an option at least not for me .
I remember when I was 15 I had just got locked up in treatment for the first time and it makes me laff today but it is pretty sad when you think of it. They were trying to break me down they wanted to know what I was feeling and for the life of me I could not of listed but really two I would use happy or pissed. I would go blank and could not think of one for my life and honestly at the time I probaly could of done the basics. When I left home I had the general basics barely any education and what of that was a joke so I was always behind acdemically in that area. So I was already trying to find ways of creeping around the corners to just make up for what I was lacking. When I could not swing it I would cheat I am not proud of it is was I was nervous of tests could not answer shit. Ask me the questions any other time I could It came from always being told I was a failure again from loving family.
So I was behind with my education then with employment because I was lacking the education and the emotional barriors I have up to keep people out my point being I spent so much time battling these other demons I never had the time to really see what I was about what I wanted almost half of my life is gone I am okay with that and I may never be no famous person and again I can handle that. I do not need some great prestige job or any materialistic attitude.
After starting medication things started clearing. This haze slowly became real thin but yet it kept growing thinnner and thinner exactly when it went away or maybe it is just there still so thin we can not tell. My point being somewhere along the way I started changing inside.
I got thrown some curve balls and it harden my cause just made me more determined. It was like so much of my life circumstances whatever that have happened over 20 years ago and they are still controlling my life. So long ago when I stood up to that man and said enough is enough I thought that was it. Basically for them it was they ignored me till they kicked me out shortly after but I had had it I was so tired of being a punching bag for no reason than they were my parents.
I had a socail worker back then that I had finally told what was happening and this was before all this insanity today has brought here was a case that was so true and he sat there telling my father he had the right to discipline me any way he seen fit I sat there dazed completly blown away and I just said as a matter of fact then I have the right to defend myself as I need to. That may make me sound bad I dont care these people I find it hard to call them mother and father. They were no parents to us they beat us with boards in the backs threw us around treated us bad as the animals. This was no normal discipline and that social worker knew it and yet said that
I had got to the point I was so tired of the bull shitand eventually soon after I diod get to leave and naively I thought that was the end. But then events happened to keep overlapping on life along the way you get totally wrapped up keep doing the same insane existence and you really fail to see how much time has past. Last time I really checked on the time table thing was 10 years ago yet it is now that I am finding myself my peace. Recently I have started a book a private one that is my goal I dont care if anyone shoudl read it it is just focused on telling me I have nevver been real open about me and it is something that I have worked on but some things run deep.
Originally I started because I wanted themmy kids to know the whole story and I still might I might end up adjusting and just making one personal one for me to pass along Even thou I started with intentions with the knowledge to the kids but when I started to try to put this together it became complacated. I have reasons I am not open about my past when I was a kid. I was always raised if you cant say anything nice dont say anything and there is nothing to say nice about them.
But more than that if I plan on eventually passing along the book I would need to really look deep and reveal the whole truths and I had hard time writing things at times for I felt their eyes on it and I saw I could not write woth that perception I needed I need to find the inner me. I do not know where life will take me but I know I am along the right path. Just have to wait at the doorway and wait forthe others So I tink that I might use this as my base for forming it together and go from there so for now well lets say it is 420 time to go

bound by desires

So much of our lifes we are bound by so many rules and limitations. People say they are free but are we? We definately have some things alot better than some I do not speak the manor of like war and the traditional thought of freedom. They say you have free speech but do we really when it comes down to it. People in power always making us the common person stuff the truth. They have say in alot of what we can do and some of it is for the best. Some things have gotten out of control. I have long ago realized and accepted the government is corrupt and fuck them if they read this because they can invade anyones space any time they feel suspicious.

Many times I could not be suspicious and get away with violating someones feelings and rights. We as society are trained as kids on to believe in police they are the good guy ect. they want them to believe this lie so when they discover the truth it is so much harder to prove. We all know the truth see the truth all the time every day and they will continue to do it because they can.

Then we can get bound by these laws that are for the best right thats why states have laws on them like on sunday it is illegal to get a fish drunk like what the hell is that about like who is gonna do it anyway but tell me they have the right to arrest me for that ya I am a big danger to everyone. We have laws on the books that regulate us on an issues of maryJane god put her on this earth and these ig time people want to make it so bad for you again drilling this into our heads as kids They want eveeryone to believe they do it for the best interest please there best interest.

I mean really look at all the money they lose should we even legalize mary Jane they would lose just the obvious lawyers jails courts ect. Crrime would go down also but more than that all there dare money they get for nothing but twisting facts to suite there needs. Then we get there cut and it is a big cut in the payoffs to them they have their hands in the pie no one can tell me otherwise They will not legalize it cuz they would be broke the most.

So becue thi person wantsto live the commfotable life we the poor are to pa for that also. his rich sob can sit there and dictate to me what I can do with my body with my money I am sory I can not do it wil struggle ad spea out against the unjustice out there but even if we bypass those boundaries we have all these modern appliances to make our life so much better and it is great but at times now I find I am like achild at walt disney world and trying to see everything and not knowing where to begin. I have ben realy chiling ad kickig back he lst cople of days and it fels real god there is so much that culd be doin and yet it felt so wondeful just to sit thre and do nothing and watch a movie or whatever.

Think back even two years ago andI always had time now I never have enough but trying o use it eficiently becaue thn comes the lat bounds we have opn ourselves and thosear iner bounds demon so I cal them Ovethe yeas min hvebecome easier to maintain thru time and understanding. Many of usliving lifes we stilll were 20 years ago. he bounds of age have not semd to realy grasp part of me ralizes I am coming up on 40 for some that migh be a hard one for me it is al about the discovery what I may find out about me.

So much of my 20s was trying to find my place in the world I really had no family and that upset me in the fact I could not find my sister. So after I lost her I guess I floated I did not know where I really wanted to go and maybe I still dont know it is no longer where but more like whenever I settle down buy a house it will be the time to know where I am going. I was btling a war I coldnever of won.

I had wanted it all by the time I was 25 ad to make it worse I had my slipping episodes. Now as I am older than I was I am slowing down I feel for sis for a way she still has no leared o relax and if she dont she gonna explode but has aken me alot to geto this point life is too seriuos to be serious about it I mean I pay attention but people try to knock you off your block Im not letting them not anymore I may show emotion but it is kept under control.

My last bound my daughter my child of my flesh and yet she bound me with these puppet strings for going on four years now man thata blows my mind aways the insanity of a society that let a 11 year old decidee that did not want to stay so she leaves and then subject me to a living hell and putting my kids thru so much more. Still when we have courts they are downplaying it more now well it is crazy I am the bad one ya right with her preaking the law doing as she pleases and then there is me not doing shit but they still have it in there and bring it up at least once and they know it is not true yet the use that every chance.

She still is playing these little games and I am so sick of her shit I lvoe her becasue she is my daughter but god help me after all the mistreatment this child has put me thru I can not say I could ever feel like having her come home. That may sound terrible but it is just the facts I can never trust her here she is a danger and I know should she come and I ever let my guard down it could prove fatal. It is true my daughter has been my abuser for too many years and only recently I have begun to understand how much of a prisoner I have become on her whims.

Leaving an abusive ex is hard leaving an abusive chld is harder and then to have social sevices involved just makes it worse. She plays them like suckers what cracks me up they come in with there little white gloves on and speak to these kids baby them and all this they have no clue of what it is like to be them live on the real world shit by the time she went in she had the system figured out and in turn they have mad her a monster one that I kno I can nver trust to co0me home.

Cna I go to lie where I cld neve hve trust and honesty even in my house could I go thru the fear of what if sh does something do I havethe right to do that to the othe kids. Maybe I am a bitch all I keep thinknin if I would not let my parents nor no other human being mistreat me like this why should I take it from someone I gave birth too and I dont think I should havetoo